Fresh FIction Box Not To Miss

Elizabeth Hoyt | Ten Clues That You Are Watching a Really Bad Movie

September 12, 2007

So, the other day after my computer blew up, I decided that I needed a break from reality and I stuck a DVD in the player, sat back, and prepared to enjoy a whole lot of bare nekkid male chests. But a strange feeling came over me as I watched the previews to the movie. A feeling that I may have chosen A Really Bad Movie.

Herewith is a list of my Ten Clues that perhaps I was not the target audience for the movie 300:

1. The pre-movie advertisements are for violent video games aimed at fourteen-year-old boys.

2. The men are all wearing leather shorts.

3. All the bad guys are ugly or gay or both, and the chief bad guy is wearing gold lipstick.

4. Sacred lepers.

5. Eugenics is a good cultural practice and the only people who are against it are wussy hunchbacks who can’t fight like real he-men anyway.

6. The traitor bad guy has a bad guy mustache.

7. The traitor bad guy tells the heroine that the only way she can save the hero is to have skanky sex with him. And she falls for it.

8. War rhinos.

9. The Deep and Meaningful love scene employs more than five positions.

10. The hero says–actually says–that the only way they can lose is if someone tells the Persians about the secret goat track back entrance to Thermopylae. Oh, and then he rejects the hunchback who told him about the secret goat track back entrance. Dude! Use your head!

Bonus 11th Clue: arterial blood spray is used as an artistic device.
So, while this movie was definitely divorced from reality, and certainly had a whole heapin’ spoonful of bare nekkid male chests, I would not recommend it. Instead, if you need your own break from reality, I suggest picking up a good book, such as, oh, The Serpent Prince, out this month. I think you’ll find it more enjoyable.

Elizabeth Hoyt

THE RAVEN PRINCE, Available Now!

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