As a writer, I’m often asked, “How do I get away with the perfect murder?” Okay, maybe I’m not asked all that often. Fine, no one asks.
Apparently, I’m the one trying desperately to plot the perfect crime. But with good reason, other than my friends annoy me, you see all my best plotted crimes have been solved by a variety of both trained and untrained detectives. Therefore, I’m always on the quest to learn the best way to off someone and secondly, how to get rid of the body and/or the evidence.
Strictly for research.
All these murderous musings have brought me to one conclusion — There is no perfect method of murder.
Each and every option, whether it’s a stake through a vampire’s heart or running a certain princess down with a pumpkin-like coach (trust me, Cinderella had it coming), has its pros and cons.
For example, throughout the ages poison has been the go to method of murder for both political assassins as well as vexed housewives. While it can be a valid choice for a particularly painful death it isn’t the best option for the perfect crime as many TV shows would have you believe. Any medical examiner worth his salt will run a variety of toxicology tests, especially when a ready cause isn’t obvious. Or when the dead person smells like fresh baked almond cookies.
My point is, don’t use Arsenic to murder people, it’s too easy to detect.
Better yet, don’t murder people at all!
But for the sake of my own murderous plots, it’s good to remember when using digitalis to poison a character make sure a) not to plant Foxglove all over the murderer’s yard and b) that the victim already has a heart condition, otherwise when the M.E. finds digitalis in the victim’s blood stream, I..I mean, his wife won’t be suspect number 1.
As I might’ve mention above, in my novel, CURSES!, I ran a certain princess over with a speeding pumpkin-coach. Now in a fairytale world this might work. But in this, ‘real’ world, running someone over is not the best idea, foremost because it leaves dent.
But let’s say you wanted to fictionally run someone over for the sake of a plot. It isn’t the best option either. For one thing, it doesn’t guarantee the victim will die, and secondly, the amount of physical evidence like paint chips and other trace left on the victim and at the scene makes it difficult to get away with it.
From all my murderous research, I’ve discovered two things. The NSA really does pay attention to people who google murder over and over again, and secondly, there is no perfect crime. Which is good, for me more so than the people who like to murder others.
After all, how lame would it be to read whodunits without the who?
About THE FAIRYLAND MURDERS
Blue Reynolds knows the darker side of New Never City– the side that’s hopped-up on fairy dust and doesn’t care if your house gets blown down. Rent’s due and his PI business is all but make believe. But even Blue shudders at having to chase after Isabella Davis, a freckle-nosed redhead five feet tall on her tip-toes…if you don’t count the pretty pink wings.
Izzy is tough, and sneaky, and not too thrilled with the idea of being the new tooth fairy. The last six have been most gruesomely extracted. But Blue has a feeling that whoever is killing the tooth fairies is worse than your standard big bad psycho. The fairy council is hiding something. The Shadows are moving out into the light. And Blue is saddled with a shocking power that could take out half of New Never City…
About J.A. Kazimer
J.A. Kazimer is a writer from Denver, CO. When Kazimer isn’t looking for the perfect place to hide the bodies, she spends her time surrounded by cats with attitude and a little puppy named Killer. Other hobbies include murdering houseplants, kayaking, snowboarding, reading and theater. After years of slacking, she received a master’s degree in forensic psychology, which she promptly ignored and started writing novels for little to no money.
In addition to studying the criminal mind, Kazimer spent a few years spilling drinks on people as a bartender and then wasted another few years stalking people while working as a private investigator in the Denver area. You can find her online at her website, Facebook, and Twitter.