Isis Blake’s Five Rules For Winning Wars Against Pretty Boys And Other Vital Protips For Surviving High School
- Never trust them: When girls turn 13, there’s this crazy phenomenon I like to call ‘the grownup syndrome’ that happens to them. All of a sudden, dudes think it’s okay to snap bras, call girls whores, and sexualize their bods without their consent. It’s a tragic product of the patriarchy! And idiocy. But mostly patriarchy. There’s only one way to deal with teenage boys, and that’s to never trust them ever. They’re programmed to see girls as objects for their gratification and that is kind of extremely gross!
- Teenage boys don’t know how to kiss: Sure, the movies like to pretend they do, but outside of sparkling not-real vampire stalkers, kissing is a foreign concept to most boys. Except Jack Hunter. Don’t ask me how I know that – I might die from embarrassment. Or punch his face all over again. Regardless, they’ll try to suck your face like a lemon and it’ll be a very wet, and very scarring, experience. Let them mack on some other girl and get a bit of experience before they worm their way over to you. Alternatively, never kiss anyone ever. We good? Good.
- Fake it till you make it: Frozen and every spy handbook ever had it right – don’t let your emotions show. Keep everyone guessing – the less people know about how you really feel, the safer you are. Unless it’s your BFF. And maybe even then, keep the goriest details to yourself. Rumors will start even if you don’t want them to, and they usually come from the people you trust most. If your face lets a guy know how you feel, a guy will use it to try and get in your pants. Or your friends pants. Or, in Jack Hunter’s case, he’ll use it to get to know you better and try to convince you you’re worthy of love again. Ew.
- Keep on your toes at all times: Especially if you’re a practicing ballerina. If you’re not, just walk around generally tip-toed. That way, you look both tall and intimidating with the added bonus of raising your view-height – you’ll see your enemies coming from a mile away. Staying aware means being able to see when a guy tries to slip you a roofie in your drink, or hit on your extremely judgement-impaired drunk friend. If the world can’t do girls a solid and prevent assault, you’ve gotta do all the dirty, self-preservation work yourself.
- Don’t fall for good looks: Guys who look good can coast on chiseled brows and fine noses and ice-blue eyes, meaning girls let them off the hook for their skunk-stink behavior just for a chance to kiss pretty lips. We all know that one guy who’s got a terrible attitude but a rockin’ six pack, and he goes through ladies like throat lozenges in flu season, and we all sort of want to punch him in the dick. With a boxing glove. There’s more to life than looks, ladies! Like kindness! And doughnuts! Bonus points if he can make doughnuts kindly.
About LOVE ME NEVER
Read the book that Kirkus Review called: “A complex, witty page-turner, ideal for YA fans of scandal and romance.”
Seventeen-year-old Isis Blake hasn’t fallen in love in three years, nine weeks, and five days, and after what happened last time, she intends to keep it that way. Since then she’s lost eighty-five pounds, gotten four streaks of purple in her hair, and moved to Buttcrack-of-Nowhere, Ohio, to help her mom escape a bad relationship.
All the girls in her new school want one thing―Jack Hunter, the Ice Prince of East Summit High. Hot as an Armani ad, smart enough to get into Yale, and colder than the Arctic, Jack Hunter’s never gone out with anyone. Sure, people have seen him downtown with beautiful women, but he’s never given high school girls the time of day. Until Isis punches him in the face.
Jack’s met his match. Suddenly everything is a game.
The goal: Make the other beg for mercy.
The game board: East Summit High.
The reward: Something neither of them expected.
Previously published as Lovely Vicious, this fully revised and updated edition is full of romance, intrigue, and laugh-out-loud moments.