David Misch was born in a humble log cabin in 1946, then again in a split-level thatched roof cottage in 1950. Growing a remarkable twelve inches a day (though, unfortunately, entirely in his shins), David was recruited by both the Boston Celtics and AAA Ceiling Repair before his fourth birthday, but opted instead for a career as a professional snitch.
After ratting out literally dozen of ne’er-do-wells to the FIB, Mr. Misch realized he should have been dealing with the FBI, not Fellas In Basements, a special-interest group devoted to the study of La-Z-Boy armchairs. He then retired to an underwater colony of scuba gear scavengers who, unable to find scuba gear, drowned. He will be missed.
Wait, he’s back!, this time with something roughly approximating the truth. And in the first-person yet. Quote…
Though I’m now an internationally-recognized author (if you count one interview with Radio Ireland as international recognition), I began my career as a funny folksinger, back when such a description was accepted by the IRS. My big break was being clueless enough to think drunk college friends thinking I could write songs meant I could write songs. I sustained this delusion for five years before dropping the guitar and opening my mouth only to speak.
In a mere matter of moments I was lured to the sin-pots (Is that a word? Let’s say it’s a word) of Hollywood to write for “Mork and Mindy”. And yes, Robin was a genius but no, he didn’t ad-lib the show. We were up till two in the morning writing those ad-libs.
I later worked on the short-lived but kind-of-legendary “Police Squad!”, the adult animated series “Duckman” with Jason Alexander, and wrote briefly for “Saturday Night Live”. I worked on “The Muppets Take Manhattan” with director Frank Oz, Miss Piggy himself, who said “I’ve spent half my life with my hand up a pig’s ass.”
My first authorial effort, Funny: The Book / Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Comedy (Applause), garnered plaudits like “Sorry, David, I haven’t gotten to it yet” and is available at fine bookstores (and, let’s face it, lame ones too) as well as Ye Olde Internette.
My new book, A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO CORRUPTION, imagines a fantastical world where businessmen, politicians and lovers lie, cheat and steal to get what they want. Pretending such people exist, I then reveal their secrets so that you, the ordinary citizen, can become as debased, degraded and, more important, successful as them. Just follow my few simple steps and I guarantee (Note: There is no actual guarantee) you’ll be rich and/or incarcerated, like…
Bernard Madoff, a financier whose $65 billion dollar investment fraud involved cheating friends, family and famous folk by, essentially, yanking numbers out his butt (known in the financial world as “toxic assets”).
Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich who, in the midst of impeaching the president for having an affair, had an affair with a Congressional aide then told his wife (formerly his high school math teacher) (you can’t make these things up) (actually, you can – see the section on slander) he wanted a divorce as she lay dying of cancer.
Anna Nicole Smith, a 24-year-old stripper who married an 89-year-old man who quickly died. Then and only then did Anna realize the man was worth $1.6 billion dollars so, naturally, she gave it all to charity. (Hee hee – I crack myself up.)
Vice President Spiro Agnew, who took bribes totalling $17,500 while in the White House, and is reviled by politicians today not for being dishonest but for demanding a sum that wouldn’t pay for a Mazda.
The list goes on and on, though how far on you’ll find out only by purchasing a copy (no, make that hundreds of copies) of the award-eligible “A Beginner’s Guide To Corruption”, available this summer from Amazon and, well, me.